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| Wait...wait...almost... |
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| That's it!!! |
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| Hockey's back!!!!!!! |
That's right everyone, the NHL season has started. In fact, it started two whole days ago. And I haven't mentioned it once. So, so much failure. Welp, I'm going to remedy this crime against (Canadian) nature right now. We're talking hockey today.
But what about football? It doesn't just cease to exist because our eyeballs are drawn back to the cold insides of our favorite sport. And, I can't let down that tiny corner of the internet that depends on my astute analysis heading into a weekend of games. Those poor people, they need my support. They really probably need lots and LOTS of support. So, I can't bail on them.
Thus, we combining the two otherwise un-connectable things into one feature. The critics say it can't be done. Ha! Slamming unrelated items together is as American as apple pie. Or, taco guitars!
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| Andrew W.K. approved |
Indeed! Let's get a party going and, as Mr W.K. might agree to, party hard. Party hard. Party hard.
I think those are all the lyrics.
Anywho, let the ball and puck dance;
Carolina Panthers (or Hurricanes) versus the Detroit Lions (or Red Wings)
The bulk of the hockey world seems to believe the 'Canes are a borderline playoff team, while the Wings will be dredging the depths of their division. Both are off to ignominious starts though.
- Carolina will have co-captains, which is a bit like having co-girlfriends, only they both have beards and weird accents.
- Detroit's new rink is named after the pizza place you eat at when there are absolutely no other choices.
Thus, the Lions win on Sunday, but wake up at 2AM Monday, sweating out greasy, pseudo-meaty regret.
Tennessee Titans (or Nashville Predators) versus Miami Dolphins (or Florida Panthers)
The Preds had a great run last season, making it to the cup final before being knocked out. They should be strong again. Meanwhile, those guys from south Florida have young talent without a lot of expectation, which can describe much of the youth in that area.
- PK Subban is pretty damn awesome on the ice and off. Oh Montreal, will you ever learn?
- Jaromir Jagr, gone. If you can't make room for a mullet-ed 45-year old, I don't know what to say about you. Good luck, losers!
Guessing the Titans do something Titan-ish to get the win. What's a Titan? Let's see, "Titans nickname...because one of Nashville's nicknames is the Athens of the south." Forget it, fish win.
Arizona Cardinals (or Coyotes) versus Philadelphia Eagles (or Flyers)
Arizona's hockey team is annually bad, and constantly rumored to be moving to anywhere else. The Flyers have some pretty good players, though haven't had a dependable goalie since well before "It's Always Sunny..." started its run. Yeah, a long time.
- Losing less! Ah yes, I'm excited. Surely they will be staying put now.
- Uh, I just saw that Charlie Day's middle name is Peckham. I feel this changes my opinion of him, though I'm not sure how.
The Flying Peckam's destroy the wandering birds this weekend, just like the gypsy woman told me.
Minnesota Vikings (or Wild) versus Chicago Bears (or Blackhawks)
Two of the better teams in the NHL for a couple years now. Always a fun watch, and whichever arena you're in, I'm sure something with piles of cheese can be consumed.
- Minnesota has some great players, but a pretty lame mascot. Whoever wants a smiling mascot? You're too happy Nordy!
- I feel this sort of headline is more than necessary. Really, I'm quite bad at math. How many games are left after the next one?!?!??!!? No idea.
This one ends in a 0-0 tie. Nobody scores, and even Nordy is sad. Although you really can't tell.
That's it kids, hope you enjoyed the pairings! It's no John Wick-MacGyver coupling, but still pretty good.
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| Point Breakaway? I don't think so. |
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