America's Pastime (Tacos) & 5 Ridiculous Things for Tonight's Game

Baseball.  I love it.  You love it.  Celebrities love it.  Portland may love it (though I doubt it).  Heck, even the Simpsons love it.  Next thing you know, even a major fast-food chain will want to show their love.

Nothing says taco promotion like spare black & white

That's right, fourth meal conglomerate and stomach cramp aficionado Taco Bell has a promotion all prepped and ready for the start of the World Series next week.  It seems like a really complex idea.  Let's see...

"Baseball fans can claim a free Doritos Locos Taco if a player steals a base."

Er, that's it?  One taco, and you don't even get to steal it?  Pretty lame guys.  I feel like you might need some advice on how to turn your idea from an error to a genuine hit!  Yes, those are baseball terms!  Yes, I can hold!

As a fan of the grand ol' game, I've got the experience to up the collective ante and make the promotion something that really brings in the patrons.  You want customers, don't you Taco Bell?

Huh, still on hold.  Oh well, guess they're busy.  But you're not, right?  No sirree, that's why you're reading this here blog.  So, for the benefit of us, and them eventually (if they ever pick up again), I'm providing some additional challenges for the upcoming series.  You want people excited, you need nine possible ways to win (There are nine innings in a game, and I didn't even need to look that up): 

• Blow a save, Blow your order - When the relief pitcher gives up the lead for his team, you give up your right to choose your food.  Taco Bell employees will get to decide what you eat and pay.  Enjoy that $20 Raw Naked Taco (the food is raw, the server is naked).
• Score!  - When the first player touches home plate, you get a free Crunchwrap Supreme.  These items are essentially the same in terms of size/consistency/health.  And, like the real thing, your crunchwrap will be covered in a thin layer of dirt and chalk. Wire cleaning brush not included.
• Double Switch - When two players swap spots, you get off the couch and replace a worker at the drive-thru.  That's right, you're an employee now!  Congratulations, this is your life until the series ends.
• Hit-By-Pitch, Hit-To-Win - A garbage pail full of Fire sauce packets await inside your local restaurant.  With the first HBP, you run inside and engage in a friendly game of sauce-based dodgeball with other customers.  Person who can still see at the end wins a free cup of ice.
• Intentional Walk, Intentional Win - When a pitcher decides to intentionally send a batter to first base, you go for a walk as well.  After midnight, put on your best umpire garb (mask, dark clothes) and take a quiet stroll through the nearest unlit neighborhood and into the busy Taco Bell drive-thru.  Make it alive, win free tortilla tourniquets!
• Hit and Run - Connected to the Intentional Walk promotion, but nobody wins.
• Passed Ball - You consume this.  Not a prize in any sense.
• Triple Play of Enjoyment - If a team manages to get three outs on one play, you get three items in one bite.  An employee will combine three different foods into one franken-thing.  Enjoy that Churrlupacho like it may be your last (it will be, of anything).
• NO HITTER! - NO SHI...well, you get it.  Really is the ultimate win for anyone eating at Taco Bell.

Fun, eh?  Those baseballers are crafty devils, what with their basic words to denote actions.  A walk is a statistic.  I feel that can't be overemphasized.  But what of football?  That's still a thing, I believe.  In fact, there's a game happening soon, certainly, in some district or another.  Shall you watch?  I dunno, I just spent an hour making up weird taco promotions.  Um, let's see if I can somehow make football about baseball.  That will help, somehow.

1. The Oakland Raiders are the home team tonight.  If you watch this (from a few years ago), you can see a two minute video of people flipping the stadium field from baseball to football in a mere 18 hours.  It's exciting if you like seeing people move really fast.  Like Benny Hill, but with worse music.
2. By the way, the name of said stadium where both teams play is currently the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum.  Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?  It's actually the name the place had when I was a kid.  Over the years, however, it cycled through a host of much more off putting names before returning to the original.  How bad?  Check out the corporate-sponsored list below, and pick the ones I made up.
1. Network Associates Coliseum
2. McAfee Coliseum
3. Overstock.com Coliseum
4. O.Co Coliseum
5. Actually, all of the above are real.  I couldn't even make up anything worse.
3. The Kansas City Chiefs are the road team tonight.  Know who else went on the road?  The Kansas City Athletics.  That's right, from 1955 through 1967, Kansas City was home to the A's baseball squad.  But they left the midwest and moved in 1968.  Where?  Yup, Oakland.  Man, these connections, it's just like Lost!
4. Kansas City's current ball team is the Royals.  There's an NFL player with the last name Royal.  He plays for the Chicago Bears.  The Chicago Cubs are playing a baseball game tonight!  Wow.  Does your head hurt to?  
5. Well, far be it for me to dispute George Carlin.  Football wins tonight.

Too late, friend, too late.