The Midweek Meltdown

It's been a slow week of news, but we still need to shake our fist at someone.  Right?

That cloud knows what he did.

So today, I'm getting my fingers all flexed up to do some uninhibited balled-hand rattling at those all-powerful and controlling overlords.  You know the ones.  Corporate, government, it doesn't matter.  People call them "the man."  Pfft, we're not scared of some dude in a suit.  Do you see us?  Yeah, you see us.  We're coming for you, and we're going to make your life infinitesimally harder.  

Hope you've got exact change ready, 'cause you're about to get served!

I don't know how insults work.

• Boozy Bastards
• When city mayors make a wager over sporting events, they typically put up locally sourced goods as collateral.  Perhaps next time, Mr Los Angeles mayor, you should include something in your stack of chips not owned by a huge, multi-national company.  Just saying.  Although, it is LA, so here's hoping you don't need to worry about such bets for at least a dozen lifetimes.  Have I mentioned that I hate LA?  I hate LA.

• Taco Trent
• Aging pop starts are just the best for "back in my day" stories.  All these bands now are sellouts!  Ya hear me!  In the nineties, they would have lost all credibility if they sold out to some fast food company.  That's why they didn't!  Surely, Nine Inch Nails would have resisted a steaming mountain of hot cash if Arby's had come calling for the use of  "March of the Pigs" to sell their latest BLT.  For sure.  

• French Fried
• An awful woman behaved awfully.  Hey, let's all point and laugh!  Theoretically this drunk/high/ignorant/Trumpite is getting what she deserves by being mocked across social media.  So how is this corporate America's fault?  It isn't.  We're an equal opportunity blame-spreader here.  I can shake my fist at society too ya know!

Gosh this was a negative post.  Let's turn this bloggy frown upside down, hope for a happier Thursday, and...dance!

Cheese cheese cheese

The Monday Hat Trick of...Superheroes

This past weekend, the latest Marvel picture opened up to massive audiences.  It made, lessee, eighty kajillion dollars.  Hmm, these must be really well-made movies.

So......to the pants shop again?

Yup, I get the appeal too.  Whether it be Marvel, DC, or whatever, superheroes are always going to pull in the crowds.  The people love these guys, and I eventually get around to watching just about all of them.  These characters are, for the most part, pretty cool and awesome.

For the most part.

Let's talk about the not-most part.

Not all heroes are on the level of those beefy behemoths pictured above (nor their inferior modern day replacements).  In fact, some are quite remarkably awful.  Shall we see some of them?

Yes, yes we shall.  The tragedy, friend of friends, is that I can't paste pics of all of them here now.  This blog post would easily go on until doomsday.  Instead, I'll just display a few favorites, and allow you, the true believer, to poke around on the internets for more.  They're out there.  And I mean, out there.

Let's start with Comic Books. 

• There are a lot of listicles willing to give you the lowdown on some of the very worst in pen-and-page crime fighting.  Apparently, like the Trump white house, the comic world is completely littered with bad ideas.  Indeed, just this one link provided the likes of; 
• Asbestos Lady (like it sounds), 
• Bouncing Boy (inflates and bounces), 
• Matter-Eat Lad (he can eat through anything, which is good because...)
• Those are all winners, for sure.  The runner up for me?  
• Gin Genie.  Per the very mockingly written character description from the link, "she can create seismic shockwaves equal to the amount of alcohol in her system.  And she cries a lot."  Is it wrong that I'm slightly attracted to her?  Don't answer that.
• But she doesn't hold a candle to Vibe.  Because, when I need someone to come save me from a supervillain, I want someone who was also a gifted breakdancer.  Nobody else will do!

Moments before a Justice League beatdown

Onto the big screen.

• The trail of awfulness typically wanders through familiar characters.  Most of this list includes flicks you've possibly seen, or at the very least have heard of.  Bad sequels, cheap knockoffs, Nicholas Cage.  Really, you can't go wrong.  And, while it might be easy to point to a doughy middle-aged Superman and laugh, I think there's much more terrible-ness in more recent fare.
• Steel (starring Shaquille O'Neal)
• This runner up is about something...to do with...lasers.  I read the synopsis three times and still can't understand the plot.  And, maybe it's unfair, but I'm guessing master thespian Shaq didn't bring much clarity to the screen.  But to be fair, he's big.  So, you know, he should get a hero vehicle.  I think the thing that puts this over the top for me, is the poster.  Nice job, promotion team!

He has a moon scene painted on his belly like a 70's van?!?!

• The movie winner, though, only needs five words to convince you of its awesomeness.  
• Nick
• Fury
• starring
• David
• Hasslehoff
• Boom.  See it now!

And, finally, we end where you expect.  Hockey.

• Eh?  Wha?  Yes, that's correct.  I'll let Wikipedia fill you in.  "The Guardian Project is a fictional superhero squad created by Stan Lee for Guardian Media Entertainment, in conjunction with the National Hockey League.^[1] Each NHL Franchise is represented by one of the 30 heroes, titled "Guardians". They are all named in accordance with the name of the team (e.g. The Flame for the Calgary Flames)."
• I'd like to spend the rest of my days explaining the tremendous ridiculousness and epic failure of this concept from start to end (all within 2011), but others have done the dirty work for me.  That doesn't mean we can't still have some fun, though.
• I would really, really, really like to rank them for you, but I can't.  They're all number one.  Pick a team, it's absurd.  I will only select three at random to close out this entry, because of space constraints.  I beg of you, if you've never seen these before, go see them all.  You shall NOT be disappointed.  

How many cannons is too many Stan?  Not this many, apparently

He shoots maple syrup from his branches.  And he's not Groot.  Nope.

He communicates with sharks and computer software. Seriously, it says that.

Oh, did I mention that their's a video.  There's a video.

Excelsior!

Football Friday Fumbles

When I was a kid, there were approximately eleven channels of television to choose from.  Yes, you heard me you damn millennials.  And do you think we complained?  Hah!  It was a-maz-ing.

Nearly half of them static free!

In addition to the luxury of being able to cycle through the ENTIRETY of TV in one short commercial break, it also provided the opportunity to scour the television listings ahead of time to know what would be broadcast when.  None of this Info-button nonsense.  You want to know when Mama's Family is on?  Go get that newspaper and start moving those inky fingers.

Seriously, you don't need to know when Mama's Family is on.  Ever.  Nobody does.

The upside of minimal choice and allocated guide-scanning time was that you'd occasionally be handed a treasure to look forward to.  There, buried on Saturday afternoon, between Mutual of Omaha and the evening news, would be a gift to make a mental note about. 

4PM - NFL Football Follies

Yes, oh yes, I will be in front of the television then.  Thank you, broadcast gods!

It's funny cause its true!

I would laugh my tiny lungs off to the stumbles and bumbles of professional athletes, especially with some hijinksy music played over the top of it.  Oh, and don't get me started on the episode that included Looney Tunes voices.  Childhood peaked on that day.  Not just mine, childhood itself.  For everyone!!!

Simple pleasures, such as they were, can be hard to duplicate in adulthood.  But, fortunately, there's a path to some potentially silly escapades this weekend. 

You see, thanks to the twin pronged advancement of NFL greed and the medical community's insistence on some sort of safety (I don't care if there are literally little birds circling his head, get him back out there!), players are dropping at an alarming rate.  And, while this is certainly bad for them, it's good for our amusement.

Reason is, despite the overwhelming quantity of college-experienced players available, there is really only a very finite number of guys who are actually any good.  Beyond the starters and maybe a backup or two, a lot of the fellas who fill rosters are just there in case of emergency.  They're too slow, too small, or just without the ability to act/react during a full speed pro game.  Now, halfway through the season, the proverbial injury bug has decimated a lot of squads (some of which weren't any good to begin with).  Thus, we stand on the precipice of some truly awful, embarrassing, footballing.

Cue up the Yakety Sax.  Let's pick some games to watch.

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers

• These teams have played fifteen games combined this year.  There are three wins among them (all by Arizona).
• The Cards regular starting quarterback is out for the year.  That means Drew Stanton gets to step in and take the snaps.  Is that good?  Well, lets look at his quarterback rating (which is some hopelessly complex math equation that takes into account every stat out there).  Drew's rating over the past few years is 32.  Is that good?  Hmm, "Mid-90s to the 100 range is generally considered a good rating...bad quarterbacks are in the 60 to 70 range."  No, 32 is not good.
• As for their competition?  "Some 49ers not feeling safe at 0-8."  You don't say.  I'm sure they'll be motivated this time.  

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans

• These two teams play in the same division as the Jacksonville Jaguars, and they're both behind the Jags in the standings.  Jacksonville!  They're the gridiron equivalent of a participation trophy.
• Both team's starting QB's were pronounced out for the season this week.  Thus I'm wagering there will be some serious cartoonery on the field.  Come for the (searching...) Tom Savage, stay for the (searching again...) Jacoby Brissett.  I'm pretty sure the internet just made those names up.
• Seriously, worse than Jacksonville.  They have fans that dress like this:

No guys, I don't want to paint my face.  That would be weird!

Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins

• Hey look, it's that team that I like versus the one from where I grew up.  Either way, I'll be proud.  You can take pride in disaster.  Look at Michael Bay!
• I made a point to watch Miami's game last week.  They lost 40-0.  I have a feeling I'll be referring to that as the "salad days." 
• Marshawn Lynch is back for the Raiders.  That's entertainment, right?

Yup

Have a fun weekend!

The Home of the Wing & 5 Ridiculous Things for Tonight's Game

Ah, Buffalo.  The word itself caresses the tongue.  Elegant?  Engaging?  Sure, all that and more.  Why else would it be the first stop on my voyage to marriage?  Should I explain?

I'll explain.

Nearly six years ago, my wife and I decided it was time to settle down for all of the sweet and wonderful reasons you might expect (she wanted Lazik surgery, my work has a family discount).  We talked about wedding options and came to the conclusion that we didn't want a "normal" traditional one.  Neither of us had any inclination to organize the ordeal, nor really to be the center of the spectacle (invite us to your next karaoke event, we hold up the walls nicely).

Like Buster Bluth, I excel at being neither seen nor heard

Above all, we didn't want to blow the cash on it.  Our preference, if money was to be spent, was to use it on a vacation.  So, planning began in order find an ideal place to take a trip in which we could allocate the better part of an hour (at most) to dealing with the legal formalities of wedlock, but otherwise enjoy the freedom of travel.  Yes, I'm quite a romantic.

Anyway, enter Buffalo.  Literally.

The final plan involved a jaunt into the hinterlands of Canada and its far superior side of Niagara Falls.  To get there, and to get home again, we needed an airport in which to start the adventure.  We picked good old BUF, due to its proximity to the border and reputation as a first class...something or other.

To jump to the end, we had a great time, got married, and still speak to each other to this very day!  Isn't that grand?  And, as a result of the escapade, I still have fondness in my heart for the great city of northern New York which welcomed us in as singles and sent us away all shacked up. 

Tonight, my (and your) Buffalo Bills are playing the New York Jets.  Strangely, this game between two NY teams is being held in neighboring New Jersey.  Why?  I don't know.  The east coast is weird.

Regardless, in celebration of tonight's footballing, I'm flashing back on my trip through the (looking...) Queen city.  Huh, that's much more majestic than what I thought it would be.  But, why not?  Cheers to them and their royal lineage!  You're way better than Rochester.  Trust me, that's a compliment.

• We landed in Buffalo and made our way to the car rental building.  Now, I've never been one to seek out some cool, high powered vehicle on my travels.  To me, for the most part, a car is just a means to get from A to B, and little else.  I figured we'd get some standard template sedan and be on our way.  That didn't quite happen.  In mid-November, we loaded into the auto-equivalent of an air hockey puck.  If there was any, ANY snow or ice on the ground (which thankfully there wasn't), I'm sure we would have pinballed right into the nearest waterway.   I mean, really Buffalo car rental people, you had this in stock?

Otherwise available on Matchbox tracks everywhere

• Soon we were on the road.  Driving from the airport towards the city, we scanned the surroundings.  I don't remember exactly what was said word-for word, but it was something to the extent of, um, "Wow, everything we heard about Buffalo is true."  I'm sure we meant that in a good way.  Of course we did.  Uh, let's move on.
• Into downtown we motored, checking out the sights.  There, in the center of it all, sat the home of the Sabres hockey team.  Did we stop there so I could strap on my skates and immediately find myself on the second line for that night's game?  No.  I could of, but had no desire to where that logo.  I do have some standards.

A slug with horns.  I think that's what the endtimes fortold

• A week later, after the wedding hullabaloo, a trip to Toronto and the hockey hall of fame, and more poutine than any responsible soul should consume, we hopped on the Peace Bridge back to the states.  It takes you from Niagara over to Buffalo.  But, on the Canadian side, before you leave, there's a duty free store. There, you buy your booze, and it is handed to you as soon as you're over the border and back in America again.  Basically, Canada is trolling us.  Are you guys leaving?  For Buffalo?  Here, take this.  You'll need it! 
• Finally, the wings.  Yep, the Anchor Bar is where "Buffalo Wings" became a thing, and we headed there before hopping back to the west coast.  I'd like to glamorize it and say they were the best things ever, but, well, meh.  I can't.  It's just chicken.  I felt pleased to have experienced an important spot in the history of cholesterol, but little more.  

There are other parts of the chicken, you know?!?

In the end, I came to Buffalo a single man, and left with a belly full of wings and a wife on my arm.  Being able to truthfully write that sentence trumps any wedding cake I could have possibly ever asked for.

Some Midweek Messaging

It's Wednesday.  So why are you here?

Good question.

Since re-jiggering this here blog in September, I've tried creating some sort of routine for the daily ridiculousness.  Recently, this has meant a strategy of oddball anything-goes posts on Monday-Tuesday, with tangential footballery on Thursday-Friday.  There wasn't any grand scheme to this.  It basically evolved, just like the gypsy woman said.

To date, I hadn't attempted adding a fifth day of entries for a couple reasons.  For one, I couldn't think of what else to talk about.  And, secondly, my work schedule had me working from home on Weds.  You'd think I'd be more productive creatively outside the office, but, uh, hey what's on TV right now and hey the dog wants to play and ooh look pretzels and oh what was I saying?

90% of inspiration is avoiding forced participation

Right, so, content.  It occurred to me that some of the stuff I originally liked to post had fallen out of the lineup.  Links to taco/burrito/booze news had withered away like yesterday's jam.  And, if you don't get that info from me, where will you have to turn?  Ruffians?  Hooligans?  Muppets?  I don't want you to do have to do that. So here I am, ready to provide a public service for you.  For you!  Five times a week!  Like a real job! 

You're welcome, planet earth.

• Booze Alert
• If you're a fan of tasty craft beer (and, you should be), you've likely heard about the gigantic beer makers who come in and buy up smaller, quality brewers. It's happened around our local beer mecca here in Portland (goodbye 10 Barrel), and has been occurring in many places around the country.  Worried about what this loss of independence and creativity will foist on us lushes?  Well, fear no more.  Just contribute to TakeCraftBack, a Kickstarter from a group who are working to raise funds to...buy out Anheuser-Busch Inbev.  Um, just under $213 billion dollars to go, and your pint of 10% Wee Heavy Scotch Ale will remain untouched by corporate fingers.  Seems like a worthy idea!
• Burrito Alert
• A $3 burrito (that's good) from Chipotle (that's bad) is available to anyone wearing a Halloween costume.  Yesterday.  Was available.  Oops.  Looks like you wore that sexy George Washington costume for no good reason at all.  Next year, when you're sexy Chet from Weird Science, try not miss out.
• Taco Alert
• Speaking of discounted dysentery, as previously ridiculed on the e-pages of this here site, Taco Bell is running their World Series promotion again this year.  In it, if a player on either team steals a base during the series, everyone in America can get a free taco.  Welp, thanks to the fleet feet of Cameron Maybin from your Houston Astros, a genuine order of crunchy food(?) is available to you for the low, low price of nothing.  

So, when can you get your free taco?  Let's see...Wednesday, November 1st, between 2PM and 6PM...that's...now!  Holy stomach cramps Batman, why are you sitting there reading this.  Go my pretties, go!!!!!

Whatever it takes, my friends.  It's a free taco!!!!!!!

Taco Tuesday - Special Commentary

Ah, writing contests.  Interested?  Of course not.  Just like those contests for eating, spelling, and rock/paper/scissors, it's basically only interesting if you're the one who entered.  And, yes, it is true that ESPN, the all *sports* network <coughexcepthockeycough>, has been known to broadcast "athletes" chewing, conjugating, and thrusting digits.  However, if you've ended up watching any of those competitions that neither you or your family were actually in, I dare to say your remote/television/life must be broken.  It is the only possible answer. 

And yet, failing to get praise of your story from some quiet corner of the internet is no less depressing then getting that twenty-first hot dog wedged in your windpipe in front of thousands.  They really are about the same thing, a confirmation of talent.  The lack of fame doesn't mitigate the bummer.  It just helps you avoid being mocked with wiener-in-the-throat jokes for the rest of your life.

Ok, losing in the dark is slightly better than failing on television.

Still, it can be embarrassing.  I once entered a contest that seemed like a fun challenge.  It was just about writing a very short story of 500 words or less, and I don't even think there was a prize.  I felt the need to push myself from a scribbling perspective, and wanted to try something new and different from my usual thing.  So, on a lark, I came up with an idea, put it together in one draft, and sent it in.  What was the worst that could happen?

I came in second.

Out of two entries.

Hmm, who's the wiener throat now?

Yeah, I'm the wiener throat.

To be honest, I didn't care too much, especially since I sort of purposefully tanked the contest.  Instead of a normal-ish story that I might otherwise put together, I decided to enter a sentence.  A sentence, as in one.  One 500 word, run-on, no punctuation, stream-of-consciousness, sentence.  Oh, I'm an edgy one.

The theme was to write something about a sibling's room, I think.  Or, um, something regarding childhood.  I can't really remember at this point.  I just know it was a crushing defeat, and that I'm sharing it with you now.  

It isn't taco related, and it barely scrapes the side of Halloween.  But, regardless, it is today's commentary.  Now give me praise.   GIMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This pic sort of makes sense, but no it doesn't

Unless

by your TBW blogger

The door creaked and it doesn’t always creak and I don’t know why that is but it creaked this time and opened slowly to reveal not the typical scratched purple paint plastered with glossy black and white images of morose pop stars who really don’t make popular music but are still considered pop stars because otherwise you’d call them unpop stars which isn’t a thing but perhaps should be but anyway almost every other time those unpop stars look down on me when the door that occasionally creaks creaks open but in this case their sad eyes didn’t meet mine as instead mine were met by a pair of eyes that had looked down on me several times before and though these eyes usually shared a similar morose distinction with that of the plastered ones these eyes instead were in past instances somewhat livelier and occasionally angrier but in this moment right now contained mostly fear and confusion which also held some similarity to the unpop star pinned near the heating vent who appears quite upset at something despite being an unpop star which you’d think would make you happy unless you had your mind set on being a pop star which if that is the case maybe you should not be so morose all the time but anyway the normally morose yet lively and occasionally angry eyes before me now looked in my eyes and not anywhere else but my eyes and I felt uncomfortable as I don’t like so much eye-contact so I looked down which I often do when someone looks me in the eyes for too long as I find this intimidating and weird but when I looked down my eyes were met with the eyes of a glittery pony who had no fear or confusion in its eyes but instead had love and like in its eyes and this put fear and confusion in my eyes so I returned my eyes to look at the opposite pair of eyes whose frightened and confused distinction hadn’t changed during the time in which my eyes had met the glittering pony’s eyes but now as my eyes continued to stare at those same unchanged eyes rather than the eyes of the plastered morose unpop stars or the eyes of the upset unpop star near the heating vent nor the eyes of the loving and liking pony I heard with my ears the sound of a door creaking again.

The Monday Hat Trick of...Awful-dillas

If you hadn't heard, (and if you hadn't jeez what sort of chat rooms are you chattering about in?), there's a new Taco Bell atrocity in town.  Mocked/linked on this very blog last week, the Kit Kat Quesadilla has made landfall, foisting it's unholy presence on our great-ish nation.  Need more proof that this is a bad joke masquerading as food?  Check out this DIY version, provided by our friends over at Radio Blackout:

Its insides look like my insides!

Uh, yeah...thanks guys.  If that doesn't convince you to listen to their show, I'm not sure what else will.

To be honest, I don't think that the beef'n'sand-clogged hearts of Taco Bell executives are in the wrong place.  A dessert quesadilla can be a tasty treat.  I've made one with peanut butter, bananas, and chocolate chips that was pretty frickin' delicious.  And yes, I know that by telling you this, my taste buds have forfeited all rights to food mockery.

Nevertheless, let's take on this colossal drive-thru mistake and spin it into a slice of fried gold.  There is more than one way to build tortilla goodness out of Halloween candy.  In fact, you could say there are three ways. 

Today's hat trick takes a stab at building a better mouth-trap.  The fellars over at 538 have done an official Halloween candy ranking, and those guys usually do a fine and thorough job compiling data (president circus peanut, notwithstanding).  With that survey as the guide, we're creating something new and exciting and alarming.  These menu items are up for bid, fast food executroids!  Don't miss out and get stuck putting normal foods in your foods.  Nobody wants that.

• Sure, candy may be a Halloween thing, but there's no reason it can't be stretched out to the next pseudo-holiday.  Thanksgiving is less than a month away, so let's build something to celebrate!  I'm sure natives and immigrants can get along and support this dish.  They got together hundreds of years ago, and certainly nothing has happened in the interim to drive them apart.  Ahem.  Anyway, presenting the Cornucopidilla;
• Boston Baked Beans
• Candy Corn
• Tootsie Caramel Apple Pops
• 3 Musketeers (they have buckles on their hats too!)

• We've ignored the fat, intolerant elephant in the room long enough.  It's time to create a special meal just for those dispossessed souls who think the current commander-in-chief actually has a shred of humanity and/or intelligence.  After all, your racist uncle needs something to eat on his way back from the latest rally.  With a little luck, the sugar rush will force a few logic molecules to slam into each other.  Or, he'll crash and ask for Obamacare to cover his bill.  Fun times, either way.  Here's the Trumpledilla;
• Milk Duds
• Sour Patch Tricksters
• Air Heads
• Whoppers
• Dum Dums
• Lemonhead
• Warheads
• Sugar Daddy
• One 10-cent coin (to choke on)

• Finally, it's time to be a bit self-indulgent.  If you're going to get something made for you by the Taco Bell empire, it might as well be something that ticks all of your boxes.  Honestly, the only way this would be more on-the-nose was if someone converted beer, whiskey, MST3K, hockey, and Milana Vayntrub into sugar-based treats.  Of course, if they did, there would be lawsuits.  Delectable, sexy, lawsuits.  Bring on the Taco'BoutWhateverDilla!
• Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
• Reese's Pieces
• Reese's Stuffed with Pieces (have I mentioned that I like peanut butter?)
• M&M's
• Sour Patch Kids

Have a happy Halloween.  Or don't.  Just don't ring my doorbell, dammit, I'm busy Weird Science-ing over here.