Taco 'bout whatever: The Monday Hat Trick of...Superheroes

This past weekend, the latest Marvel picture opened up to massive audiences. It made, lessee, eighty kajillion dollars. Hmm, these must be really well-made movies.

So......to the pants shop again?

Yup, I get the appeal too. Whether it be Marvel, DC, or whatever, superheroes are always going to pull in the crowds. The people love these guys, and I eventually get around to watching just about all of them. These characters are, for the most part, pretty cool and awesome.

For the most part.

Let's talk about the not-most part.

Not all heroes are on the level of those beefy behemoths pictured above (nor their inferior modern day replacements). In fact, some are quite remarkably awful. Shall we see some of them?

Yes, yes we shall. The tragedy, friend of friends, is that I can't paste pics of all of them here now. This blog post would easily go on until doomsday. Instead, I'll just display a few favorites, and allow you, the true believer, to poke around on the internets for more. They're out there. And I mean, out there.

Let's start with Comic Books.

There are a lot of listicles willing to give you the lowdown on some of the very worst in pen-and-page crime fighting. Apparently, like the Trump white house, the comic world is completely littered with bad ideas. Indeed, just this one link provided the likes of;

Asbestos Lady (like it sounds),
Bouncing Boy (inflates and bounces),
Matter-Eat Lad (he can eat through anything, which is good because...)

Those are all winners, for sure. The runner up for me?

Gin Genie. Per the very mockingly written character description from the link, "she can create seismic shockwaves equal to the amount of alcohol in her system. And she cries a lot." Is it wrong that I'm slightly attracted to her? Don't answer that.

But she doesn't hold a candle to Vibe. Because, when I need someone to come save me from a supervillain, I want someone who was also a gifted breakdancer. Nobody else will do!

Moments before a Justice League beatdown

Onto the big screen.

The trail of awfulness typically wanders through familiar characters. Most of this list includes flicks you've possibly seen, or at the very least have heard of. Bad sequels, cheap knockoffs, Nicholas Cage. Really, you can't go wrong. And, while it might be easy to point to a doughy middle-aged Superman and laugh, I think there's much more terrible-ness in more recent fare.

Steel (starring Shaquille O'Neal)

This runner up is about something...to do with...lasers. I read the synopsis three times and still can't understand the plot. And, maybe it's unfair, but I'm guessing master thespian Shaq didn't bring much clarity to the screen. But to be fair, he's big. So, you know, he should get a hero vehicle. I think the thing that puts this over the top for me, is the poster. Nice job, promotion team!

He has a moon scene painted on his belly like a 70's van?!?!

The movie winner, though, only needs five words to convince you of its awesomeness.

Nick
Fury
starring
David
Hasslehoff

Boom. See it now!

And, finally, we end where you expect. Hockey.

Eh? Wha? Yes, that's correct. I'll let Wikipedia fill you in. "The Guardian Project is a fictional superhero squad created by Stan Lee for Guardian Media Entertainment, in conjunction with the National Hockey League.^[1] Each NHL Franchise is represented by one of the 30 heroes, titled "Guardians". They are all named in accordance with the name of the team (e.g. The Flame for the Calgary Flames)."
I'd like to spend the rest of my days explaining the tremendous ridiculousness and epic failure of this concept from start to end (all within 2011), but others have done the dirty work for me. That doesn't mean we can't still have some fun, though.
I would really, really, really like to rank them for you, but I can't. They're all number one. Pick a team, it's absurd. I will only select three at random to close out this entry, because of space constraints. I beg of you, if you've never seen these before, go see them all. You shall NOT be disappointed.