Football Friday Fumbles

When I was a kid, there were approximately eleven channels of television to choose from.  Yes, you heard me you damn millennials.  And do you think we complained?  Hah!  It was a-maz-ing.

Nearly half of them static free!

In addition to the luxury of being able to cycle through the ENTIRETY of TV in one short commercial break, it also provided the opportunity to scour the television listings ahead of time to know what would be broadcast when.  None of this Info-button nonsense.  You want to know when Mama's Family is on?  Go get that newspaper and start moving those inky fingers.

Seriously, you don't need to know when Mama's Family is on.  Ever.  Nobody does.

The upside of minimal choice and allocated guide-scanning time was that you'd occasionally be handed a treasure to look forward to.  There, buried on Saturday afternoon, between Mutual of Omaha and the evening news, would be a gift to make a mental note about. 

4PM - NFL Football Follies

Yes, oh yes, I will be in front of the television then.  Thank you, broadcast gods!

It's funny cause its true!

I would laugh my tiny lungs off to the stumbles and bumbles of professional athletes, especially with some hijinksy music played over the top of it.  Oh, and don't get me started on the episode that included Looney Tunes voices.  Childhood peaked on that day.  Not just mine, childhood itself.  For everyone!!!

Simple pleasures, such as they were, can be hard to duplicate in adulthood.  But, fortunately, there's a path to some potentially silly escapades this weekend. 

You see, thanks to the twin pronged advancement of NFL greed and the medical community's insistence on some sort of safety (I don't care if there are literally little birds circling his head, get him back out there!), players are dropping at an alarming rate.  And, while this is certainly bad for them, it's good for our amusement.

Reason is, despite the overwhelming quantity of college-experienced players available, there is really only a very finite number of guys who are actually any good.  Beyond the starters and maybe a backup or two, a lot of the fellas who fill rosters are just there in case of emergency.  They're too slow, too small, or just without the ability to act/react during a full speed pro game.  Now, halfway through the season, the proverbial injury bug has decimated a lot of squads (some of which weren't any good to begin with).  Thus, we stand on the precipice of some truly awful, embarrassing, footballing.

Cue up the Yakety Sax.  Let's pick some games to watch.

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers

• These teams have played fifteen games combined this year.  There are three wins among them (all by Arizona).
• The Cards regular starting quarterback is out for the year.  That means Drew Stanton gets to step in and take the snaps.  Is that good?  Well, lets look at his quarterback rating (which is some hopelessly complex math equation that takes into account every stat out there).  Drew's rating over the past few years is 32.  Is that good?  Hmm, "Mid-90s to the 100 range is generally considered a good rating...bad quarterbacks are in the 60 to 70 range."  No, 32 is not good.
• As for their competition?  "Some 49ers not feeling safe at 0-8."  You don't say.  I'm sure they'll be motivated this time.  

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans

• These two teams play in the same division as the Jacksonville Jaguars, and they're both behind the Jags in the standings.  Jacksonville!  They're the gridiron equivalent of a participation trophy.
• Both team's starting QB's were pronounced out for the season this week.  Thus I'm wagering there will be some serious cartoonery on the field.  Come for the (searching...) Tom Savage, stay for the (searching again...) Jacoby Brissett.  I'm pretty sure the internet just made those names up.
• Seriously, worse than Jacksonville.  They have fans that dress like this:

No guys, I don't want to paint my face.  That would be weird!

Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins

• Hey look, it's that team that I like versus the one from where I grew up.  Either way, I'll be proud.  You can take pride in disaster.  Look at Michael Bay!
• I made a point to watch Miami's game last week.  They lost 40-0.  I have a feeling I'll be referring to that as the "salad days." 
• Marshawn Lynch is back for the Raiders.  That's entertainment, right?

Yup

Have a fun weekend!