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Contributor
Some 20 years ago, when I was a teenager attending high school in the suburban wastelands of Portland, Oregon, I would often ditch what passes for food in the Beaverton Public School system and leave campus in search of more delectable fare. Naturally, these afternoons were spent in the dining room at Taco Bell. Back then, a regular taco was 59 cents, and the upgraded Supreme version would set you back a mere 10 cents more. A teenager with an iron gut and a few bucks to his name could eat like a king and be back to school in time for a lesson on trigonometry that would surely prove useful someday.
This week, Taco Bell made the announcement that by 2022 they will open 350 new "cantina style" restaurants serving beer, sangria, and whatever liquor pairs well with Mountain Dew Berry Blast. While the internet is fondling itself over the news of alcohol coming to Taco Bell, this journalist isn't convinced that this is a step forward. You see, there is one giant caveat: these new restaurants will be sans drive-thru.
Remember when I said I used to go to Taco Bell in high school over 2 decades ago? Well, dear reader, I was setting you up for this bombshell: that is that last time I was INSIDE a Taco Bell. I think you can see where I am going with this, but for the rest of you I will explain.
Since high school, I have been to Taco Bell more times than I can count. I have seen the rise and fall of many hot sauce flavors, the sad, painful death of the Mexi-Nugget, a taco shell made of fried chicken, and the creation of the 9th wonder of the fast food world: the beloved Crunchwrap Supreme.
Never once during this sordid and wonderful period did I enter a Taco Bell dining room. And never once had I not already been drinking moderately to heavily. Every single visit I was drunk (or nearly so) in a car at the drive-thru (ed. note: at the request of the authors attorney, it should be stressed that he was not ever the driver of said vehicle).
I am not alone. Here's a true fact for you: Nearly 70 percent of Taco Bell revenue comes from buzzed or blackout wasted drivers and/or passengers at the drive-thru. What about that other 30 percent eating indoors, you ask? Well, those people are simply low functioning alcoholics whose drinking habit has progressed to the point that they can no longer afford the luxury of owning a car. Either that or they are a high school student.
I think the message is clear enough, but I will sum it up for you. While it sounds cute, the ugly truth is that nobody really wanted beer in Taco Bell. When a person visits a Taco Bell drive-thru, the booze has already taken care of itself, and the party is all but over. At this point, the food is merely a reaction to the realization that one has only consumed calories in the form of liquor since lunchtime yesterday. Or a last ditch effort to prevent a brain-searing hangover tomorrow.
We don't want tequila Mountain Dew slushies. We don't want "cantina style." And we certainly don't want to have to leave the safety of our vehicle in a fast food parking lot at 3am in a sketchy part of town after an online hookup with a woman of questionable morals.
What we really want (and have been asking for all these years) is for Mexi-Nuggets to be back on the menu. So how about it Taco Bell? I've done all your market research for you already and the people have spoken. Killing off your drive-thru business model like a character on Game of Thrones is a huge mistake. Booze is out. Mexi-Nuggets are in. This journalist thanks you in advance. I know you will finally make things right.
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